huh...

Don't know since when...
i've been hypnotizing myself..
saying to myself..
'Yenting...You are not studying for yourself neither by yourself..
You are studying for God's economy and you study with the presence of Lord Jesus in you..'
at first i get comfort from it...
but now..
i still remember my purpose of studying
but i cant help feeling downcast...
especially today...
when alex said to me..
'Haiya..my average is already 85% with my seni 65 marks...'
It really hurts me...
i know i am not as hardworking as him
nor have good brains like him...
but it still hurt to hear that sentence...
why?
i already try my best this time...
the first time i really study for exam
not playing around...
daydreaming...
not in front of com or tv...
if he said after last few exams..
i deserved it..
because i don't even study for them...
but this time..
after killing milions of my brain cell...
i feel that it was really a dreadful thing to hear...
many times already..
i am nearly to tears...
but somehow i refuse to cry in front of them...
i am so scare..
that one day i will fail to bear it all...
it was such a shame...
to be the lousiest among them...

The hopes they put on me...
its so high..
i feel so stress when i am with them
when they ask for my marks..
my average..
seems like they think that..
i am genius...
and will be the top every time...
and i...
i had to laugh happily? in front of them..
hiding all my feelings...
it was such a terrible feeling
to fail with high hopes on me
and not letting them know....
what is my feeling...
nobody ever want to know my feelings....
even her....
we're friends for such long time...
NO!!
i am not genius...
but i'll try my best...
Please don't put any hopes on me...
i am so much affected now...
i don't want to be like that anymore
study for other people to see...
not by my own intention...
not for God...
i really want to try
to study only for God..
not for myself
nor other people...
Just for GOD
but i think that is impossible...
with all of them putting hopes
high high hopes on me...
like i am a genius...
i really like to try it...
perhaps
one day i will archieve it...
but that one day
seems so far away from me...

i know that my post never had a main point...
too much...
its just a way to write out my feelings...
and please don't angry with what i say..
its just......

May God bless...